EMS STUPID Frequently Asked Questions -- With answers!
By Jerry Fandel 

Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it? 
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people 
involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it. 

Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the 
Oakland Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here. 

Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County 
Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take you to 
the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in. 

Q. Do you like you like your job? 
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job. 

Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. 

Q. How come the Police come to the call with you? 
A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my ass 
kicked by an irate bystander/family member/patient. 

Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or 
anything! 

Q. Have you ever seen a dead body? 
A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. 
I've even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet. 

Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your 
ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating 
lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar B Q)
A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a 
stress case and might crack. 

Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change. 

Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of 
service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and 
if you promise to quit bugging me. 

Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie 
Paramedic)? 
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner. 

Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the 
hospital?
A. No. 

Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back. 

Q. How come AMBULANCE is painted BACKWARDS on your front grill?
A.There is a device on motor vehicles that is known as a rear-view 
mirror, some people have even been known to use it to see what is behind 
them when they are driving. 

Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would 
be comfortable with, most likely. 

Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in 
reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old 
English 800 Malt Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive. 

Q. Can I have a band-aid? 
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How 
many do you need? 

Q. What happened? (at a minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash! 

Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having 
shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash! 

Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack! 

Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician 

Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some 
money, thanks. 

Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that 
didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream 
through the blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face 
missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his 
drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so 
cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now 
aren't you sorry you asked? 

Then of course the tables can be turned when I ask a stupid 
question....... Q. How old are you (to a little kid) 
A. 6!
Q. When will you be 7? 
A. On my birthday!!!

Q. Are you always this much of a smartass?
A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping. 

Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I 
am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. 
Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.

Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to 
take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.

Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' 
patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the 
hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.

Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during 
the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking 
for ID and find a needle.

Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a 
cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't 
answer me once!

Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 
24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.

Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.

Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The 
complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail 
in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?

Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a 
quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.

Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or 
maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?

Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked 
on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with 
barbed wire.

Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of 
your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years 
of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.